Your Shadow Virtues Could Be Killing You

Photo by Tom Barrett on Unsplash

Aristotle would’ve hated The Giving Tree

It has its virtues all mixed up. I grew up loving Shel Silverstein’s book about the relationship between a young boy and a tree. As an adult, it's more complicated.

The relationship starts simply. A young boy sits in the tree’s shade and climbs into her branches. As he grows older, he begins to use her. He takes her apples to sell. He cuts off her branches to build a house. He cuts down her trunk to build a boat. At every stage, the book says that the tree is “happy.” Right up until the end.

The tree, now reduced to a stump, even apologizes to the boy that she has nothing left to give him. He says that it's alright, because he’s too old to climb, doesn’t need her branches for a house, and won’t be sailing in his boat. What he wants to do is sit and rest, and she’ll be good enough for that.

Did the boy do a “good” thing? What about the tree?

Can you be too generous? What about forgiving? Aren’t those good things? Well, too much of a good thing can kill you.

All Things in Moderation

If you think ancient philosophy isn’t relevant to your life right now, let me introduce you to my friend Aristotle (384–322 BCE). He was a fan of cultivating virtues as the key to a happy life. These virtues are things like courage, honesty, generosity, and self-control.

We tend to define virtues by their opposites. We think the opposite of courage is cowardice, or that the opposite of honesty is lying. That’s where Aristotle says we’re all wrong. For Aristotle, these virtues live in the middle between other extremes, and our job is to live right in that sweet spot, often called the “Golden Mean.” It is the “moderation in all things” approach to a good life.

For Aristotle, generosity isn’t the opposite of selfishness. Generosity lives between the extremes of being stingy and being extravagant. Honesty lives somewhere between secrets/lies and sharing everything in ways that degrade relationships and trust. Courage isn’t the opposite of cowardice. You just want to fear the right things. A person who fears everything can’t live. And a person who fears nothing won’t live for long.

Remember the tree? Was she being generous, or something else? Aristotle would say there’s no golden mean in the book. With the tree’s version of “generosity,” you end up as a stump, apologizing that you have nothing else to give.

I’m assuming that a lot of you sometimes feel like the tree. We pretend our self-sacrifice is a good thing while others take advantage and we waste away. It happens all the time. Unless dear reader, you’re the person who has been chopping at others, and we’ll save that for another article.

Your Shadow Virtues Can Kill You

It can be easy to let things pretend to be virtues in our life that are far from it. Let’s call it a “shadow virtue.” It’s sneaky. It is something that the rest of the world will praise and might even say is one of your best traits. Instead of being out of balance, those "virtues" might be hiding something that’s cutting you to pieces, bit by bit.

The other day I took my children to the park. It was almost empty, except for a couple of people sunbathing. I told my children we should be quiet and controlled so that other people could enjoy their day. My kids aren’t wild or crazy. They have every right to be at a park and have fun. However, I assumed their mere presence would disrupt someone else’s experience. That behavior may look like generosity or conscientiousness, but it is actually undervaluing my own worth.

Sometimes, we get so good at forgiving people that we let them walk all over us for years. We might even end up apologizing after calling out their bad behavior. We call it forgiveness, but it’s an unwillingness to set basic boundaries around what hurts or heals us.

You’re the most important gift you have. Use it wisely

So, what’s the tree to do? Give the boy nothing? What about you? Aren’t you supposed to forgive?

I’m with Aristotle on this one. Live in the Golden Mean.

Not everyone deserves your full forgiveness. Let’s be honest. Sometimes you have to remember that they hurt you and never let it happen again. Some people don’t deserve your intimacy and authenticity. This isn’t to say that forgiveness, generosity, presence, and grace aren’t wonderful. They are. You cannot give them to everyone all the time, or else you end up a stump and someone else is sitting on you. Those things are precious. Give them away, but to the right places and people.

You are the most important thing you have to give, and disappearing isn’t a virtue. You’ll know what generosity feels like when you keep having more to give. You’ll know courage when you grow strong and see with clear eyes. When you use a good thing, you'll be left with more of yourself, not less.